everything is gray

Mike and I are seperated. I feel sad and lost. I spent the last five years of my life being with someone who made me feel alive. Someone who made me feel happy the way when i was 5 and now that person is gone. Hes gone because we both made mistakes in the relationship but seperating has made me realize some of the mistakes i made that led up to our seperation. I would always try to change Mike, and if i wasnt changing him i would get upset at the things he wouldnt change. I tried to finally just accept him for who he was because all the petty things i wanted him to change werent important when looking at who he really was. Unfortunately, i began to resent all the things i didnt nit pick him about. Plus, i am so unhappy with my career and my overall lifestyle that i was taking things out on him. Not so good (I know). Because of all of that, Mike began to grow more distant with me. As a result of him growing distant with me, i began to spend more time with my roomates and spent less time enjoying my significant other. I hate this, i hate everything about this stupid situation. Now i am stuck here in florida and he is back home in washington. I feel like he forgot to take me with him. I feel like a parent whose child forgot them at the grocery store. Im reminded of him everywhere i go, every street i drive on, everything he has sat in...everything. To top things off, my life is extremely mundane and boring now. I always thought that the life of an "adult" was what i wanted. The Lexus SUV, beautiful modern furniture in a trendy condo. All i want is Mike. All those innate material things just adds up to a lifestyle that is empty and boring. Now that Mike is gone, i have that life...my room is uncluttered, its clean and simple...i dont jave any toys on the wall and no figurines on the shelf. Now everything is empty, and i feel empty. How did i get so far from where i was...this time last year mike had a wonderful trip planned for me in Tampa and Orlando...he would take me to SeaWorld and Busch Gardens. It is during that time that i would see a peacock walk around in a theme park, feed stingrays, and have lunch with shamu. I miss him so much. I wish i could go back in time and fix myself, or at least tell myself all the things i was doing wrong in the relationship so that it would have panned out differently. See, i thought i was doing all i could. I would take care of the finances, clean, make sure our lives were perfectly planned for a bright future. I would make sure that Mike didnt have a care in the world. The only thing (and the worst thing) that i managed to successfully do was distance us from each other by not being supportive, loving, caring, and affectionate. And now its all gone: the engagement, the future family, the laughs, walks with bruiser....we were happy once. I started to become more serious, more snotty, less myself. And now i hate living here, every second of it I am reminded of the life i thought i wanted. Turns out all i want is Mike...he was my everything, my reason, my person. Everything is gray and empty...my life has no more meaning to it

Distance is to love as wind is to fire...if it is a weak fire...the wind will kill it. If the fire is strong, the wind only intensifies it.

Here is to holding on to the only fire i have ever felt inside my heart.