street lights

sometimes life to me is like riding in a taxi cab on a rainy night.  I watch the lights of the city pass me by but everything is blurred by the rain that i don't know where i am going.  i keep riding in the taxi hoping it will take me to my destination but until it does i just watch life pass by in a blur.

you'll never know

• what it felt like to wait for you in my apartment while you were hanging out with your ex
• what it feels like to walk in on someone you think might be your soulmate having sex with some other person
• what it feels like to see you spend time with all of these other people when you tell me how amazing i am and how happy i make you.
• what it feels like giving you the benefit of the doubt - over and over again.
• what it feels like to have someone reach out to you only when they are feeling lonely
• how it feels to be abandoned by someone  who you thought had the capacity to love you more than anyone else

you'll never know what you've done to me

You can't keep safe what wants to break.

red, yellow, green

I’ve asked about you and they told me things
But my mind didn’t changeAnd I still feel the sameWhat's a life with no fun? please don’t be so ashamedI’ve had mine, you’ve had yours we both know

We know.


they don’t get you like I will
Cause that truth hurts, and those lies healAnd you can’t sleep thinking that he lies stillSo you cry still, tears all in the pillow case
Pushing me away so I give him spaceDealing with a heart that I didn’t break

I’ll be there for you, I will care for youI keep thinking you just don’t knowTrying to run from that, say you’re done with thatOn your face girl, it just don’t show

When you’re ready, just say you’re readyWhen all the baggage just ain’t as heavyAnd the party's over, just don’t forget meWe’ll change the pace and we'll just go slow

You won’t ever have to worry,You won’t ever have to hideYou've seen all my mistakesSo look me in my eyes

who knew?

so im sitting here on my bed in my apartment and i am completely stumped.

ok, so we all know how i am totally in love and smitten over a particular ferret.  What gets me stumped is that i have zero...and i mean zero, interest in meeting other people for dates or anything of that sort.  I mean, given the circumstances any other person would probably just give up and walk away.  I don't want to.  Its crazy because i actually do think that this person is the most beautiful person inside and out.  I sometimes think to myself, "well what if he turns around and tells me he isn't interested in me that way".  I would be sad, of course, but all i want for him is to find someone that sees how loving, talented, funny, caring, and beautiful he is, the way i do.  I never thought i could love someone as much as i love him...he's worth it, every second of every day, and thats something i never have doubted or questioned.

stumped.

you know whats funny...is that despite everything that has happened and is happening

...

you still stop me in my tracks every time i see you

making my bed

You know that saying, "you've made your bed now lie in it", well...this absolutely applies to my current situation.

I met someone amazing.  He and I share so many interests together and have similar goals in life.  There are a myriad of reasons why we get on so well.  He and I are spiritual, we both believe in the good of others and the good of the world.  We both are going through similar acceptance hurdles from family and we both loathe or current working situations.  The best part about the two of us is that we both love and care for each other a great deal.

However, we've both been through a really difficult year.  The past year has been extremely stressful and emotional for the both of us and I can only speak for myself but i'm pretty certain we both tried the best we could in a really shitty situation.  I certainly could have done a better job.  I became so focused on what i wanted from the relationship that i lost sight of what i had, a loving partner who was trying his best.  I became moody and non-complacent with the situation that I was dealt with, which im sure didn't spur up feelings of warmth and love.  So this leads me into the title of the blog post.  Under an extreme amount of stress from my job, my personal life (breaking up with Topher), and my life with this amazing guy...I tried to make my bed as best as I could.  The increasing amounts of stress and strain on the relationship caused me to make a bed that was only bearable for one.

I'm trying to remake that bed to the way I started making it when we first met.  I don't know if its too late, I don't know if it is a bed that he wants to lay on anymore, but I'm going to try.  Have you ever met the person in your life that you thought you would never meet.  I met that elusive person that I always wanted to come into my life but never believed would.  All I can do is ty my best to make my bed right this time, so that maybe it can be comfortable for two, instead of one.

I look back on "us" before all the stress and before all the hurdles and I see two people that had a blast in Florida, and in Portland, and house sitting a friends house.  I see long walks talking about our lives and looking at houses we both might live in one day.  I look back and i see happiness personified in the form of a match between two people.  I havent forgotten how awesome we were and still can be. I can't be perfect and im sure there will be mistakes in the future...but sometimes you find someone that gives you something you never thought you could feel.

So heres to trying to remake that bed.