Day 1

So this is the first day that I am going to try my hardest to go without talking to mike. We will see how it goes

Follow your heart

Today I woke up and I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Why was I still so lost and confused. Why was I so tormented. I mean. Hell. My body knew it. And then I realized something. Yesterday when I was talking to mike I poured out my feelings to him and that made me feel better. I felt better because I was going after something that made me happy. So I thought, I need to go after what makes me happy, because isn't that all that matters in life? To follow your heart and do whatever you know makes you happy? And you know what makes me happy...mike. I know it's taking a chance. A risk. A sacrifice. But who cares?!?! The boy makes me happy like no other. And you know what, I made mistakes and he stuck by me for a long long time and he's just awesome!!! I need to go and follow my heart to greener pasteures. Who is to say what will happen. But I know that my heart wants mike. And I don't care if people tell me I'm making the wrong decision because I'm tired of living my life based off of what other people tell me to do. I live my own life and I don't see how there could be any fault in following your heart.

I was thinking about all the wonderful times that mike and I have shared together and how beautiful our relationship was. It sucks that we had to learn from so many mistakes on each other but you know what. He wouldn't have proposed if after all those mistakes he still loved me. I know that boy loves me and I know that there's going to be no one out there that makes him happy the way I do. And now that I have figured out who I am and where I want my life to go, I think this time around it will be right.

I love him. He makes my heart happy and I know I make his heart happy too.

Love and rockets,
Tuan

Every day

Every day I live my life without mike is a day I know that I was able to live my life without mike. And that helps

Dating myself

Okay. So it has come to your attn that mike is probably seeing other people and dating and whatnot. There is nothing wrong with that! You know the both of you deserve to be happy. Whatever will be will be right? So what about you. What do you want for yourself.

I think I want to get to know myself. I was thinking about the whole process of dating and how it is a means of people getting to know one another. So I thought, "if I want to get to know myself, then why not date myself!" it's a weird concept I know. But really think about it. I never really had the chance to get to know who I really am and what makes me happy. I mean. I know who I am and what makes me happy. (see previous blog post). But now I want to thoroughly enjoy being with the person. I always wondered what else there was to life because mike was my reason. He was my everything. But instead if making other people priorities in my life, I want to start making myself a priority in life. Maybe the reason why I hated audiology so much was because of the reason I was doing it. I was doing it primarily for mike. So why not start doing it for myself. You know, the person your dating. Emily told me that there is one person you are going to be with for the rest of your life, yourself. So why don't I start treating that person like they are the reason, the purpose. It's time to start doing what I want for me. Trust me. Everyone will love you for it. They always have.

READ THIS: to remember who you really are!!

are you feeling lost?
having trouble with who you really are?
getting caught up in the material things in life?
find yourself climbing the social ladder to keep up with the jones'?

READ THIS!!! because this is who you really are...youve ALWAYS been this way, you just lost track because its easy to get enamored with the expectations of the world.

simple values
board games
nights with the family (sitting on the bed just watching tv)
a honda civic (because its simple, fun, and easy to toss around)
connecting with people
being active outdoors
laughing, living, loving
family
connecting with people
eating - YUM!
experiencing new cultures (because people are beautiful)
you neices (soon) and nephews

so its okay if you are feeling a little lost, dont get caught up in all the vain and material things...because thats not whats important to you. never forget the person that you were when you were with mike...that real you. Thats why you love mike, because he brings out the real you...now its time to bring out the real you to the whole world...they'll love it, they always have. And dont forget to thank Jen, because without this little chat with her that you had tonight...you wouldnt have been able to see the things that make the real you. Yeah, i really like the real me.

everything is gray

Mike and I are seperated. I feel sad and lost. I spent the last five years of my life being with someone who made me feel alive. Someone who made me feel happy the way when i was 5 and now that person is gone. Hes gone because we both made mistakes in the relationship but seperating has made me realize some of the mistakes i made that led up to our seperation. I would always try to change Mike, and if i wasnt changing him i would get upset at the things he wouldnt change. I tried to finally just accept him for who he was because all the petty things i wanted him to change werent important when looking at who he really was. Unfortunately, i began to resent all the things i didnt nit pick him about. Plus, i am so unhappy with my career and my overall lifestyle that i was taking things out on him. Not so good (I know). Because of all of that, Mike began to grow more distant with me. As a result of him growing distant with me, i began to spend more time with my roomates and spent less time enjoying my significant other. I hate this, i hate everything about this stupid situation. Now i am stuck here in florida and he is back home in washington. I feel like he forgot to take me with him. I feel like a parent whose child forgot them at the grocery store. Im reminded of him everywhere i go, every street i drive on, everything he has sat in...everything. To top things off, my life is extremely mundane and boring now. I always thought that the life of an "adult" was what i wanted. The Lexus SUV, beautiful modern furniture in a trendy condo. All i want is Mike. All those innate material things just adds up to a lifestyle that is empty and boring. Now that Mike is gone, i have that life...my room is uncluttered, its clean and simple...i dont jave any toys on the wall and no figurines on the shelf. Now everything is empty, and i feel empty. How did i get so far from where i was...this time last year mike had a wonderful trip planned for me in Tampa and Orlando...he would take me to SeaWorld and Busch Gardens. It is during that time that i would see a peacock walk around in a theme park, feed stingrays, and have lunch with shamu. I miss him so much. I wish i could go back in time and fix myself, or at least tell myself all the things i was doing wrong in the relationship so that it would have panned out differently. See, i thought i was doing all i could. I would take care of the finances, clean, make sure our lives were perfectly planned for a bright future. I would make sure that Mike didnt have a care in the world. The only thing (and the worst thing) that i managed to successfully do was distance us from each other by not being supportive, loving, caring, and affectionate. And now its all gone: the engagement, the future family, the laughs, walks with bruiser....we were happy once. I started to become more serious, more snotty, less myself. And now i hate living here, every second of it I am reminded of the life i thought i wanted. Turns out all i want is Mike...he was my everything, my reason, my person. Everything is gray and empty...my life has no more meaning to it

Distance is to love as wind is to fire...if it is a weak fire...the wind will kill it. If the fire is strong, the wind only intensifies it.

Here is to holding on to the only fire i have ever felt inside my heart.