READ THIS: to remember who you really are!!

are you feeling lost?
having trouble with who you really are?
getting caught up in the material things in life?
find yourself climbing the social ladder to keep up with the jones'?

READ THIS!!! because this is who you really are...youve ALWAYS been this way, you just lost track because its easy to get enamored with the expectations of the world.

simple values
board games
nights with the family (sitting on the bed just watching tv)
a honda civic (because its simple, fun, and easy to toss around)
connecting with people
being active outdoors
laughing, living, loving
family
connecting with people
eating - YUM!
experiencing new cultures (because people are beautiful)
you neices (soon) and nephews

so its okay if you are feeling a little lost, dont get caught up in all the vain and material things...because thats not whats important to you. never forget the person that you were when you were with mike...that real you. Thats why you love mike, because he brings out the real you...now its time to bring out the real you to the whole world...they'll love it, they always have. And dont forget to thank Jen, because without this little chat with her that you had tonight...you wouldnt have been able to see the things that make the real you. Yeah, i really like the real me.

everything is gray

Mike and I are seperated. I feel sad and lost. I spent the last five years of my life being with someone who made me feel alive. Someone who made me feel happy the way when i was 5 and now that person is gone. Hes gone because we both made mistakes in the relationship but seperating has made me realize some of the mistakes i made that led up to our seperation. I would always try to change Mike, and if i wasnt changing him i would get upset at the things he wouldnt change. I tried to finally just accept him for who he was because all the petty things i wanted him to change werent important when looking at who he really was. Unfortunately, i began to resent all the things i didnt nit pick him about. Plus, i am so unhappy with my career and my overall lifestyle that i was taking things out on him. Not so good (I know). Because of all of that, Mike began to grow more distant with me. As a result of him growing distant with me, i began to spend more time with my roomates and spent less time enjoying my significant other. I hate this, i hate everything about this stupid situation. Now i am stuck here in florida and he is back home in washington. I feel like he forgot to take me with him. I feel like a parent whose child forgot them at the grocery store. Im reminded of him everywhere i go, every street i drive on, everything he has sat in...everything. To top things off, my life is extremely mundane and boring now. I always thought that the life of an "adult" was what i wanted. The Lexus SUV, beautiful modern furniture in a trendy condo. All i want is Mike. All those innate material things just adds up to a lifestyle that is empty and boring. Now that Mike is gone, i have that life...my room is uncluttered, its clean and simple...i dont jave any toys on the wall and no figurines on the shelf. Now everything is empty, and i feel empty. How did i get so far from where i was...this time last year mike had a wonderful trip planned for me in Tampa and Orlando...he would take me to SeaWorld and Busch Gardens. It is during that time that i would see a peacock walk around in a theme park, feed stingrays, and have lunch with shamu. I miss him so much. I wish i could go back in time and fix myself, or at least tell myself all the things i was doing wrong in the relationship so that it would have panned out differently. See, i thought i was doing all i could. I would take care of the finances, clean, make sure our lives were perfectly planned for a bright future. I would make sure that Mike didnt have a care in the world. The only thing (and the worst thing) that i managed to successfully do was distance us from each other by not being supportive, loving, caring, and affectionate. And now its all gone: the engagement, the future family, the laughs, walks with bruiser....we were happy once. I started to become more serious, more snotty, less myself. And now i hate living here, every second of it I am reminded of the life i thought i wanted. Turns out all i want is Mike...he was my everything, my reason, my person. Everything is gray and empty...my life has no more meaning to it

Distance is to love as wind is to fire...if it is a weak fire...the wind will kill it. If the fire is strong, the wind only intensifies it.

Here is to holding on to the only fire i have ever felt inside my heart.

What is to come for my third year

So I am all done with half of my doctoral education and I am trying to gather all the things that I have learned and I feel a little worked up because I feel like I haven't learned a great deal.  It probably stems from the fact that I am somewhat of a perfectionist but who knows.  My summer break actually went really really well.  I had my first opp holding my nephews and niece and it was such an exposing experience.  I say exposing because I am now so exposed to the fact that I am completely not ready for children at this point in my life.  I see how happy my sisters are with their little ones but I also see how much energy it consumes and how limited a persons life becomes after kids.  Mike would be a great father, I have no doubt about that.  I guess that perhaps I am a little anxious about how I would be as a father. I didn't have what people would call a rough childhood but I did have an unusual one.  I felt like my childhood is woven with experiences of happiness and sorrow.  I understand that everyone has rough spots along their life journies but something made me grow up differently to the point where I wonder if I could be as good of a father as I would like to be.
Mike is still in spokane and I am here in florida by myself until friday.  We are moving in with our friends ben and jen and I am really excited about having more company.  I will say that there is the presence of curiosity to see how smoothly these next series of months will unfold.
O m g...so I totally lost my first ring that mike gave to me while I was taking a shower.  I was so upset because that's the ring that he gave me at disneyworld during the fireworks show.  Its okay because my new ring was given to me in orange county under the disneyLAND fireworks :)  I really am so lucky to have met mike....he's made me grow emotionally as a person and without him I don't think I would be where I am at today in my life.  

I'm going to end this blog post with the optimism that the semester will go smoothly without too many hitches...I just have to stay on top of everything...and I will try my hardest to I swear.

Too much coffee

Tonight I decided to make some coffee. I used the coffee beans that my cousin gabe me from grenada and I used wayyyy too much. I drank the coffee quickly and now I feel like I'm going to die. What's worse is that I am at a movie theatres and mikes friends are here. To spare myself from yacking inside the theatres I am now sitting outside next to the bathroom just to keep it safe.  My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to pass out.  I don't think I have felt that scared for my life in a while.  My heart has thankfully slowed down but my stomach is still feeling very upset.  I think the thing that upset me the most was that after telling my fiance that I was feeling terrible he never really wanted me to go home. He asked if I wanted to tae the keys and drive home and then he went back to talking to his friends.  I don't know...if it was the other way around I wiuld have driven home for him.  Oh god...I think another trip to the bathroom is in order.

My observations re: the passing of MJ.

I have noticed over the couple of days some interesting yet unsuprising behavior of the society around me.  After the death of michael jackson, it seems as though everyone in the world is so remorseful of his death and giving him and his life an endless of "RIP you will be missed...".  Now I think that it is one thing if you say that and have been a true fan and admirer of MJ but half those people are people who have said MJ jokes or deplored him as some kind of freak or pedophile.  It dissapoints me that MJ could have such a large fan base suddenly turn on him and then all of a sudden admonish him again.  Do you people not realize the err  of your ways?  iyou know, MJ might have done things that were a little unusual...but think about the kind of broken childhood he must have had.  Think about what it must feel like for a child to be denied the basic wonders many children experience...all for fame and money.   Sure MJ was a bit off the wall but you can only blame the society itself for establishing such superfical and disgusting values.  MJ was a product of societys nature; the society that turned on him when he was most fragile and the same society that loves him after he dies.  I have a lot of respect for people that have never lost respect in the strides michael did in the music industry. For all the people who understood what MJ did for us and stood by him even in his most vulnerable times, I respect and admire you immensly.  For all those who turned your back and snickered and speculated only to (within one day) cry out to the world all the love and respect you had for this person....shame on you.

Getting serious about my life

I'm at the point in my professional career where I need to be serious about my life. No_ take that back...I'm at a point in my life where I WANT to be serious about my life. Huzzah the day has finally come.

Working out and endorphins

So I have started working out again and one thing that I have been noticing is that I seem to be happier and more of a "go-getter".  For example, today I woke up and ate a healthy breakfast and took bruiser to the dog park. In about half an hour I am going to work out soon and then go to work.  I've also been drinking a lot of water too which I'm sure my body has really enjoyed.  I'm so so so excited to start getting more into life, my career, my relationship etc... Updating on my blog is going to be a regular thing I think.