contemplative observer

love you, love me

2012-01-27T21:34:00.001-05:00

i love you

i wish you could show me how much you love me, because i know you do.

i really want you to love yourself, so that you can see why everyone loves you so much.

i'll be here, for you, because i know how important i am in your life

i'll be here, for me, because you bring out the best in me

i'll be here, for us, because i believe in us and what we have.

distractions

2012-01-17T01:14:00.001-05:00

sometimes i use distractions in life to get by. i think distractions are okay, as long as they dont inhibit self growth and the road to real happiness.

with that said, i need better distractions like vacations, things for shayla, plane tickets home...not expensive cars or other material things.

must. stay. focused

the truth is...

2011-12-17T11:03:00.002-05:00

life is crazy sometimes.

i look around me and see all of the people in my life going through so much. Everyone has their own situation they have to sort through and resolve. Sometimes that is the best medicine, to look around me and see that everyone is struggling in some shape or form. So what makes us go on? I think everyone has their own reasons for continuing on. For me its hope and optimism, I met a guy that completely lights up my life and that alone gives me the hope and optimism for a really awesome and bright future.

The last few months have been slightly chaotic; i still have shayla, i still have my apartment, and i still have my amazing group of people that are here for me and love me a great deal.

ch-ch-changes

2011-11-16T13:43:00.001-05:00

Wow, much has changed i my life since my last blog post. Let me sum it up in a list of bullet points

i moved to seattle
i dated a lot of guys
i met an amazing guy (Topher)
Mike (ex-fiance/best friend) moved into my studio
separated from Topher
moved into a new studio
became a Dr. of Audiology (yay?)
work has consumed my life
started talking to a ferret (its even more crazy than it sounds)

Ok, with that said i will now start updating my blog on a regular basis. I have a lot more time now that Topher is not in my life and I will get into that more in a minute (or future blog posts for that matter).

Day 1

2010-06-03T13:08:00.001-04:00

So this is the first day that I am going to try my hardest to go without talking to mike. We will see how it goes

Follow your heart

2010-06-01T11:22:00.001-04:00

Today I woke up and I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Why was I still so lost and confused. Why was I so tormented. I mean. Hell. My body knew it. And then I realized something. Yesterday when I was talking to mike I poured out my feelings to him and that made me feel better. I felt better because I was going after something that made me happy. So I thought, I need to go after what makes me happy, because isn't that all that matters in life? To follow your heart and do whatever you know makes you happy? And you know what makes me happy...mike. I know it's taking a chance. A risk. A sacrifice. But who cares?!?! The boy makes me happy like no other. And you know what, I made mistakes and he stuck by me for a long long time and he's just awesome!!! I need to go and follow my heart to greener pasteures. Who is to say what will happen. But I know that my heart wants mike. And I don't care if people tell me I'm making the wrong decision because I'm tired of living my life based off of what other people tell me to do. I live my own life and I don't see how there could be any fault in following your heart.

I was thinking about all the wonderful times that mike and I have shared together and how beautiful our relationship was. It sucks that we had to learn from so many mistakes on each other but you know what. He wouldn't have proposed if after all those mistakes he still loved me. I know that boy loves me and I know that there's going to be no one out there that makes him happy the way I do. And now that I have figured out who I am and where I want my life to go, I think this time around it will be right.

I love him. He makes my heart happy and I know I make his heart happy too.

Love and rockets,
Tuan

Every day

2010-05-30T18:01:00.001-04:00

Every day I live my life without mike is a day I know that I was able to live my life without mike. And that helps

Dating myself

2010-05-27T10:16:00.001-04:00

Okay. So it has come to your attn that mike is probably seeing other people and dating and whatnot. There is nothing wrong with that! You know the both of you deserve to be happy. Whatever will be will be right? So what about you. What do you want for yourself.

I think I want to get to know myself. I was thinking about the whole process of dating and how it is a means of people getting to know one another. So I thought, "if I want to get to know myself, then why not date myself!" it's a weird concept I know. But really think about it. I never really had the chance to get to know who I really am and what makes me happy. I mean. I know who I am and what makes me happy. (see previous blog post). But now I want to thoroughly enjoy being with the person. I always wondered what else there was to life because mike was my reason. He was my everything. But instead if making other people priorities in my life, I want to start making myself a priority in life. Maybe the reason why I hated audiology so much was because of the reason I was doing it. I was doing it primarily for mike. So why not start doing it for myself. You know, the person your dating. Emily told me that there is one person you are going to be with for the rest of your life, yourself. So why don't I start treating that person like they are the reason, the purpose. It's time to start doing what I want for me. Trust me. Everyone will love you for it. They always have.

READ THIS: to remember who you really are!!

2010-05-24T22:08:00.002-04:00

are you feeling lost?
having trouble with who you really are?
getting caught up in the material things in life?
find yourself climbing the social ladder to keep up with the jones'?

READ THIS!!! because this is who you really are...youve ALWAYS been this way, you just lost track because its easy to get enamored with the expectations of the world.

simple values
board games
nights with the family (sitting on the bed just watching tv)
a honda civic (because its simple, fun, and easy to toss around)
connecting with people
being active outdoors
laughing, living, loving
family
connecting with people
eating - YUM!
experiencing new cultures (because people are beautiful)
you neices (soon) and nephews

so its okay if you are feeling a little lost, dont get caught up in all the vain and material things...because thats not whats important to you. never forget the person that you were when you were with mike...that real you. Thats why you love mike, because he brings out the real you...now its time to bring out the real you to the whole world...they'll love it, they always have. And dont forget to thank Jen, because without this little chat with her that you had tonight...you wouldnt have been able to see the things that make the real you. Yeah, i really like the real me.

everything is gray

2010-05-23T19:29:00.002-04:00

Mike and I are seperated. I feel sad and lost. I spent the last five years of my life being with someone who made me feel alive. Someone who made me feel happy the way when i was 5 and now that person is gone. Hes gone because we both made mistakes in the relationship but seperating has made me realize some of the mistakes i made that led up to our seperation. I would always try to change Mike, and if i wasnt changing him i would get upset at the things he wouldnt change. I tried to finally just accept him for who he was because all the petty things i wanted him to change werent important when looking at who he really was. Unfortunately, i began to resent all the things i didnt nit pick him about. Plus, i am so unhappy with my career and my overall lifestyle that i was taking things out on him. Not so good (I know). Because of all of that, Mike began to grow more distant with me. As a result of him growing distant with me, i began to spend more time with my roomates and spent less time enjoying my significant other. I hate this, i hate everything about this stupid situation. Now i am stuck here in florida and he is back home in washington. I feel like he forgot to take me with him. I feel like a parent whose child forgot them at the grocery store. Im reminded of him everywhere i go, every street i drive on, everything he has sat in...everything. To top things off, my life is extremely mundane and boring now. I always thought that the life of an "adult" was what i wanted. The Lexus SUV, beautiful modern furniture in a trendy condo. All i want is Mike. All those innate material things just adds up to a lifestyle that is empty and boring. Now that Mike is gone, i have that life...my room is uncluttered, its clean and simple...i dont jave any toys on the wall and no figurines on the shelf. Now everything is empty, and i feel empty. How did i get so far from where i was...this time last year mike had a wonderful trip planned for me in Tampa and Orlando...he would take me to SeaWorld and Busch Gardens. It is during that time that i would see a peacock walk around in a theme park, feed stingrays, and have lunch with shamu. I miss him so much. I wish i could go back in time and fix myself, or at least tell myself all the things i was doing wrong in the relationship so that it would have panned out differently. See, i thought i was doing all i could. I would take care of the finances, clean, make sure our lives were perfectly planned for a bright future. I would make sure that Mike didnt have a care in the world. The only thing (and the worst thing) that i managed to successfully do was distance us from each other by not being supportive, loving, caring, and affectionate. And now its all gone: the engagement, the future family, the laughs, walks with bruiser....we were happy once. I started to become more serious, more snotty, less myself. And now i hate living here, every second of it I am reminded of the life i thought i wanted. Turns out all i want is Mike...he was my everything, my reason, my person. Everything is gray and empty...my life has no more meaning to it

Distance is to love as wind is to fire...if it is a weak fire...the wind will kill it. If the fire is strong, the wind only intensifies it.

Here is to holding on to the only fire i have ever felt inside my heart.

What is to come for my third year

2009-08-20T00:07:00.002-04:00

So I am all done with half of my doctoral education and I am trying to gather all the things that I have learned and I feel a little worked up because I feel like I haven't learned a great deal. It probably stems from the fact that I am somewhat of a perfectionist but who knows. My summer break actually went really really well. I had my first opp holding my nephews and niece and it was such an exposing experience. I say exposing because I am now so exposed to the fact that I am completely not ready for children at this point in my life. I see how happy my sisters are with their little ones but I also see how much energy it consumes and how limited a persons life becomes after kids. Mike would be a great father, I have no doubt about that. I guess that perhaps I am a little anxious about how I would be as a father. I didn't have what people would call a rough childhood but I did have an unusual one. I felt like my childhood is woven with experiences of happiness and sorrow. I understand that everyone has rough spots along their life journies but something made me grow up differently to the point where I wonder if I could be as good of a father as I would like to be.
Mike is still in spokane and I am here in florida by myself until friday. We are moving in with our friends ben and jen and I am really excited about having more company. I will say that there is the presence of curiosity to see how smoothly these next series of months will unfold.
O m g...so I totally lost my first ring that mike gave to me while I was taking a shower. I was so upset because that's the ring that he gave me at disneyworld during the fireworks show. Its okay because my new ring was given to me in orange county under the disneyLAND fireworks :) I really am so lucky to have met mike....he's made me grow emotionally as a person and without him I don't think I would be where I am at today in my life.

I'm going to end this blog post with the optimism that the semester will go smoothly without too many hitches...I just have to stay on top of everything...and I will try my hardest to I swear.

Too much coffee

2009-07-09T20:24:00.002-04:00

Tonight I decided to make some coffee. I used the coffee beans that my cousin gabe me from grenada and I used wayyyy too much. I drank the coffee quickly and now I feel like I'm going to die. What's worse is that I am at a movie theatres and mikes friends are here. To spare myself from yacking inside the theatres I am now sitting outside next to the bathroom just to keep it safe. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to pass out. I don't think I have felt that scared for my life in a while. My heart has thankfully slowed down but my stomach is still feeling very upset. I think the thing that upset me the most was that after telling my fiance that I was feeling terrible he never really wanted me to go home. He asked if I wanted to tae the keys and drive home and then he went back to talking to his friends. I don't know...if it was the other way around I wiuld have driven home for him. Oh god...I think another trip to the bathroom is in order.

My observations re: the passing of MJ.

2009-06-29T10:20:00.002-04:00

I have noticed over the couple of days some interesting yet unsuprising behavior of the society around me. After the death of michael jackson, it seems as though everyone in the world is so remorseful of his death and giving him and his life an endless of "RIP you will be missed...". Now I think that it is one thing if you say that and have been a true fan and admirer of MJ but half those people are people who have said MJ jokes or deplored him as some kind of freak or pedophile. It dissapoints me that MJ could have such a large fan base suddenly turn on him and then all of a sudden admonish him again. Do you people not realize the err of your ways? iyou know, MJ might have done things that were a little unusual...but think about the kind of broken childhood he must have had. Think about what it must feel like for a child to be denied the basic wonders many children experience...all for fame and money. Sure MJ was a bit off the wall but you can only blame the society itself for establishing such superfical and disgusting values. MJ was a product of societys nature; the society that turned on him when he was most fragile and the same society that loves him after he dies. I have a lot of respect for people that have never lost respect in the strides michael did in the music industry. For all the people who understood what MJ did for us and stood by him even in his most vulnerable times, I respect and admire you immensly. For all those who turned your back and snickered and speculated only to (within one day) cry out to the world all the love and respect you had for this person....shame on you.

Getting serious about my life

2009-06-26T01:07:00.001-04:00

I'm at the point in my professional career where I need to be serious about my life. No_ take that back...I'm at a point in my life where I WANT to be serious about my life. Huzzah the day has finally come.

Working out and endorphins

2009-06-24T13:36:00.002-04:00

So I have started working out again and one thing that I have been noticing is that I seem to be happier and more of a "go-getter". For example, today I woke up and ate a healthy breakfast and took bruiser to the dog park. In about half an hour I am going to work out soon and then go to work. I've also been drinking a lot of water too which I'm sure my body has really enjoyed. I'm so so so excited to start getting more into life, my career, my relationship etc... Updating on my blog is going to be a regular thing I think.

Looks like life is getting busy

2009-06-23T16:39:00.002-04:00

So now that I have a job and I go to school I'm finding that my life is getting a lot more busy. I think that having a busy schedule is good for me because at the end of the day I really don't like to just sit around. ithe only struggle I see for myself is being able to manage my time effectively so that I an still manage to accomplish everything in school while making some cash.

2009-06-22T23:26:00.002-04:00

Nothing new or exciting to report today. I think I may be getting some kind of infection because I have this yucky taste in the back of my mouth and a lot of phelgm. As I'm sure you all wanted to know that! Tomorrow I have more training sessions at the nova rec plex and then I also have class. I need to start on all my projects because I pretty much have one month left for the semester and I really want to do well. Today I was watching a house hunters episode where they go to seattle and I am just even more eager to make a big move! Ok. Time to do more of nothing and drink lots of more fluids.

I love cleaning

2009-06-21T15:51:00.002-04:00

Today I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, living room, cat box, and bedroom. It took me like three hours to do all that cleaning but I don't really mind because I LOVE cleaning. I've noticed that living in a clean environment makes m feel happy and content with my life. I like to use cleaning as an excuse to get out of studying and working on projects. I hear from my sister that cleaing is something many gay men like to do (whether or not that stereotype is true is left to be debated upo). I love cleaning so much that I usually like it when mike does not clean just so that I can clean the apartment the way I like to clean it. I am more detailed and thorough than he is and its okay because I'm just OCD like that when it comes to cleaning. I think I get the cleaning bug from my dad because he is also very neat and tidy. I know for sure its not from my mom because she isn't neat or tidy at all! Oh well, I suppose its a good addiction to have. It keeps mike and I happy so I guess ill just go with it! Until next time blog.

Going to try this instead

2009-06-21T00:45:00.002-04:00

Ok I didn't really like the way the blog was updating via text message so now I'm going to try and do it directly from my browser. I think now that updating my blog is going to be a little more convienent and accessible. I really can't wait to move to whereveri am going to be moving but at the same time I am a little anxious that I might not be prepared or as ready as I should be. I guess time will tell how prepared I am when that moment gets there.

2009-06-21T00:38:00.005-04:00

(3 of 3) some things and I've lost some friends but I'm a much wiser person today.

2009-06-21T00:38:00.003-04:00

(2 of 3) I am now an engaged man!!! I've come a long way in my audiology career and I will be moving back to seattle around this time next year. I've learned

2009-06-21T00:38:00.001-04:00

(1 of 3) So I know its been a while since I've posted on my blog. I'd like to say that a lot has changed but not too much has changed. Except for the fact that

Lars and the Real Girl

2008-07-16T00:05:00.001-04:00

Lars and the Real Girl
Originally uploaded by AsceticMonk

I just got done watching this compelling love story/comedy that deals with such a genuine perspective on how outcasting our society can be. The movie portrays a raw glimpse of disconnection from the world due to neglect. I feel like on some level everyone can be able to relate to this movie. It shows how when others push you away that sometimes you can start to push the world away from you. Granted, the movie brought it to an extreme and, at times, comedic channel, but the experiences and outcome are so heartfelt. I have a short list of movies that i can say are important to my life and i can confidently say this movie was one of them.

Road trip comin' up!

2008-06-12T00:10:00.001-04:00

What's a Road trip Without a Road
Originally uploaded by Bodie Bailey

Well guys, for my birthday i am going to be flying out to Spokane, WA to celebrate my wonderful partners achievment of graduating with an Associates Degree. I am so proud of him! His journey has required many hours of "after-work-im-tired" kinda time.
So after the graduation we will be taking off to Florida in our Scion XD along with are dog Bruiser. Do you think we can make it back to Florida in time for all my midterms!?!? I have to make it back by Tuesday. I am going to be posting updates on my twitter via palm pilot so you guys can cheer me on my quest to get to Florida. The timing of this roadtrip could not be worse. I have 3 exams and one project due (which i already completed this weekend). But you know what, I have waited almost 4 years to be with Mike. I'm ready for us to finally be together. We deserve it.

check it out

2008-05-17T01:03:00.003-04:00

have you ever wondered what putting together a theatre production looks like?

check out my amazingly talented partners myspace page to view a video on the production of anitgone at the spokane falls community college!

www.myspace.com/mikeblui

rock band

2008-04-23T03:43:00.002-04:00

ok, seriously, have you ever played rock band? I have...it's amazing. Rock band is so amazing that i am procrastinating from writing a paper about plagiarism to watch youtube videos on people embarassing themselves rocking out. There are many reasons why i love rock band. Rock band takes you to a place, a delusional place, of groupies, stardom, and an occasional euphoric experience. My lead role in rock band is vocal. I was born to sing baby. Another reason why rock band is going to change the world is that it is GREAT to have at parties. ok, ok, i'm asian, and karoake is fun too...but having a guitar and a set of drums is just bad-azz. so, yeah, this contemplative observation is about integrative video games that are fantasy providing, delusion inducing heaven.

observation #1

2008-04-12T21:03:00.002-04:00

you know...some straight guys can be so caught up in keeping a masculine persona. i believe a part of the reason for this is due to the need to feel accepted by mainstream society. looking around at human nature it is pretty suprising/disappointing how people go to such great lengths to conform for the feeling of being accepted. How did i come to this observation? HGTV, yes that's right, HGTV. I was watching a construction crew work on a home and I thought about how the construction workforce has a strong concentration of men and how it is thought of to be uber-masculine.

Construction work is a butch way of saying arts and crafts.

JoAnne's Fabric : Home Depot
as
Arts'n'Crafts Mom : Construction worker

I bet you if sewing and making floral arrangements was considered masculine by society, there would be an overflow of men producing silk floral arrangements.

see you soon

2008-03-10T02:27:00.001-04:00

postcard ready
Originally uploaded by tuanyes84

life as of late

2008-02-16T22:36:00.001-05:00

sorry for the lack of updates!!!! ive been lazy i will admit it. i promise i will post something in here soon.

The voice of contemplative observer

2008-01-24T01:47:00.000-05:00

This is me, your contemplative observer.

Emily

2008-01-19T20:00:00.000-05:00

Today I had the chance to head out to the beach with my Nikon D40. Emily has always wanted me to take pictures of her and I also thought it would be a great idea so that I could practice using my camera. My goal during this photoshoot was to try and find a happy medium with being different and representative of what I want to portray as a photgrapher, while still being pretty for Emily to frame and keep with her. Emily really is so great to work with because she will do whatever I tell her as well as provide me some insight into what she wants to do.

I wanted to portray two side of Emily that I have come to know. The first side was a collective side, a side that is more grounded and reflective. The second side of Emily that I wanted to capture was a happiness that is carefree and purely joy. The reasons why I love to portray sides of people that emulate them is simple; when you take a photograph of someone's real emotions or real personality those are the photos that come through the best. My goal as a photographer is to elicit an emotion inside the viewer that causes them to feel a raw human emotion. In this photoshoot it was happiness and collectiveness.

pinkberry, the new craze i swear.

2008-01-18T04:54:00.001-05:00

pinkberry, tried the white chocolate chips
Originally uploaded by jleighb

have you ever thought to yourself, "I wonder why frozen yogurt doesn't actually taste like yoplait yogurt"? Good. Neither have I. Although when I brought the pinkberry spoon to my mouth and sampled what they called "ooey goodness" I nearly had an epiphany.

So what makes pinkberry so different? Well it doesn't taste anything like what you would find at a Goldenspoon. The yogurt at pinkberry has a mild tart flavor to it. Garnished with fresh fruit, cereals, or even yogurt bits will make this a flavor-texture sensation. A friend of mine says that Pinkberry was born from two asian entrepeneurs and from what I was told this new U.S. phenomenom is totally a "has been" in Asian countries like Korea where you will find a frozen yogurt place next to every starbucks.

I will be honest however, Pinkberries cannot technically call their product yogurt because it does not contain the right amount of bacteria culture to be qualified as "real" frozen yogurt. However! The answer to all you folks out there that are yearning for even higher concentrations of bacteria culture still have your options. Places such as Beachberry and Yogurtland are popping up all over the nation. I have even found my own fix of froyo (frozen yogurt for all you non trendy food freaks) in south Florida! So rush, rush, hurry hurry lover you have to witness this.

i heart laguna

2008-01-18T04:37:00.001-05:00

i heart laguna
Originally uploaded by tuanyes84

This is where I used to live before I moved to Florida. You see, i love Florida, really, I do. In Florida I can always find a club or a bar that seems to promise a good time loyally and faithfully. However there is a certain emotion I miss from Laguna. I guess it is the feeling of "home" a feeling of belonging or a place where you feel like you are actually understood and the surroundings embrace you. I just can't quite put my finger on it.

The best day of my entire life is in Orange County. Please don't be misled by the media. The Orange County I grew up in wasn't pulled tightly by scalpels and trendy "fashionistas". No, the Orange County that nurtured me has become "the OC" and a tragedy it is, really. Once you take away the over-priced inflated homes and the people who only seek to climb higher up on the social ladder to feel like their lives are finally worth something you have a beautiful place to live. Interesting topography, limitless heart-warming, breath-taking sunsets are the real things that Orange County is known for.

So what has that left me with? Orange County has fizzled away and now I feel like when i come home i'm not really coming "home", but there are some spots, some sweet escapes, that I can run to. A place where I can relive all the things that I knew.

Mazdaspeed MX-5

2008-01-18T03:55:00.001-05:00

Before I arrived in Florida my father told me that it would be best to get a SUV in case I had to evacuate and take all my belongings with me. Advice from my fellow Floridians has now led me to believe that getting an SUV to escape the hurricanes would be a situation that is unlikely to happen. Upon graduating from my doctorate program I would like to purchase a convertible, but not just any convertible. You see, I am not your run of the mill homosexual that loves paris, britney, and madonna...I am more than that. I am your homosexual that has an undying passion for motorsports.

I present to you, the Mazdaspeed MX-5 Miata. The mazdaspeed mx-5 boasts a lot of goodies that will tickle this pickle. A tighter suspension, better air-flow management, and brakes that could stop this heart in its tracks. I throughouly intend on purchasing this car after I graduate, well...after I pay back my monumental student loans, if I manage to make it out alive (hurricanes)

The start of a new blog.

2008-01-16T16:21:00.000-05:00

to hundreds of interesting entries filled with insight, ranting, and general takes on life...